22 June, 2011

Frankly Speaking

I recently caught up with Extremely Frank of the KC Roller Warriors and this is how things went down. I will let her speak for herself!



So Frank, what are the stats?
I think I got a B- in that class in undergrad. Oh, wait, I think you want this...female, age 37, 5'1", blue eyes, whatever hair-color my stylist picks each month, as Sagittarius as they come, Marketing Director by day.

If you could have any super power, what would you want?
I would want to be able to magically change my fingers into all different types of tweezers - like the a mutant love child of Wolverine and Edward Scissorhands. I always seem to need a good pair of tweezers.

Beer, wine, or mixed drinks?
Beer - on a beach, when it's hot outside, when I'm low on cash. Pansie beers,please...the kind that you can almost see through and contain descriptions like, "fruity undertones with a whisper of coriander". When I drink too much of them I actually become that description.

Wine - anytime. I'll drink the cheap stuff, I'll drink the expensive stuff, and I won't be able to tell the difference. Normally I'm a red gal, but if it's an important shindig I go for white. Red turns my teeth gray and is much more obvious/horrific looking when I spill it down the front of my dress.

Mixed Drinks - Only when I'm trying really, really, hard to look cool, or I'm craving a Coke. Coke and vanilla vodka is like mother's milk. I like to call it, "Trouble & A Comin'". Too many of these and you'll be incessantly badgered to watch a sloppy one-woman reenactment of "Grease". I pretty much only drink water and wine (I refer to it as the "Jesus Diet"), so this is how I sneak in some soda.

Crime you are most likely to commit?
Brutal honesty...and/or impersonation of a government official.

Last major penalty?
Blocking from a stand-still. Didn't even know it was a penalty for the taking! Because, really, if you're going to the box shouldn't it be for something more flashy and spectacular than "you made someone fall because you were just standing there".

Jam our block?
Came out of derby tryouts as a Jammer and did that my Rookie year (last year). My All Star teammates and coach realized quickly that my speedometer had a governor on it and I'm not what one would describe as "slippery". I'm have more of a natural "ramrod" style. So the transformation into a Blocker began this year. I prefer Blamming - a bit of both.

In a funk or got da funk?
Got da funk - always got da funk. I could have the funk at an insurance seminar and sell it to others in attendance - that's how much funk I've got. Isn't funk the best thing to have?

Chuck Norris, hottest man alive or not if he was the last man alive?
Does it matter? He'd be so quick and fast that I wouldn't even have time to get his whole name shouted..."oh, Chu". Done. Then there's rumors going around about how I'm sharin' my funk with some dude named "Chu", which some people will think is the pet name I gave Chuy from "Chelsea Lately", and when he heard about it I wouldn't want him to think that I'm not over him and our amazing weekend in the Poconos. That's the damage that Chuck Norris can cause.
Inside line or round the outside?
Totally depends where Bruz, Eclipse, Black Ice, Delia Death and/or Evolution is standing. Once that is determined - go the other way.

Derby crush?
Of course it's my darling derby wife Hail Mary - an instant and cosmic crush when we met at Pump Up Camp while getting ready to tryout in 2009. It's a love that will stand the test of time - with our without protective gear. However, I do have derby crushes on specific parts of certain skaters - sorry if I stare sometimes, ladies. Let me elaborate...

LIST FORMAT = Crushing on...Skater Name
Rear View...Dominate Jean (it defies gravity...like a beach house on stilts or something)
Biceps...Brain Czar Us (I know, right? You wouldn't expect it in that adorable little package, but they're mind-blowing - check em' out)
Legs...Jade Lightning (limbs like that do not exist in my gene-pool)
"Da Girls"...Evolution (82% of the women in the State of California have paid top dollar for much less...literally and figuratively)
Beauty Marks...Annie Maul (seriously, do you know anyone else that can work em' like that? I would look like Enrique Iglesias before the surgery)

Thing you would most likely do to an opposing player besides knock a bitch out?
Ask her the name and brand of her fabulous nail polish color.

Off skates workouts-hits or misses?
Hit. Big hit. If it burns calories and makes it hard for you to gingerly get on and off the toilet the next day, well, that's success in my book (and I have suffered this glorious fate many times after KCRW's off-skates workouts on Saturdays). When you skate you need to be a machine, and machines need maintenance. Endurance, thighs, and waistlines can not survive on derby alone. I dove-tail in Bikram yoga on the days that we don't have practice. It's life-changing. Seriously. 90 minutes in a room that's 105 - 112 degrees, with 800-1000 calories burned in one class. You get to know the real you when you're soaking wet, no makeup, staring at your spandex-encased self in a mirror chanting "...don't throw up...don't pass out...don't throw up...". Hardest workout I've ever experienced, and it routinely kicks my arse. Between getting a good beating at derby practice and Bikram, I am humbled 6 days per week. On Fridays I get a brief moment to sit and lick my self-confidence wounds.

Pet you are most likely to keep- monkey, tiger, pig, or parrot?
Pig. You're talkin' to a born-n-raised Iowa farm girl. I wouldn't have any idea what to do with one of those fancy pets...and by "what to do" I mean butcher.

Words of wisdom?
People who live in glass houses should wear robes.

Frank you are an incredible gem. Thank you for taking the time to answer some questions and shed a little more light on the personalities that love and play the game!

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